Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol and PawnShop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversaryand I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What Icame across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with nolong-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I’d get theblue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what thatburn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking thatI really needed to try this thing out on a flesh&blood moving target. Imust admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burstwould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-secondburst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fishout of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting thebatteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loadedwith two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possibleway!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do mybest…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched theprongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
( %& (# %) (*#*)!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, pickedme up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in theoddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over memaking meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zapyourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged fromyour hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burstwould be considered conservative.
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, astime was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little Ihad left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they upget there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottomlip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles and offering a significant rewardfor their safe return.